07 October 2011

Ya Allah, why would you give me something that's not good for me (if indeed it's not good for me)?

Love,

Confused Me

At the End of the Day, All I Got is Myself.

About a few weeks ago, I had a dream that a certain guy (he doesn't exist in real life) was attempting to rape me. He was able to subdue me, holding my arms against my chest as forcefully as possible to forestall any form of resistance from me. As I struggled, I was looking at you, standing from a distance. I was tearfully pleading for you to help me. Oddly, you just stood there, watching me about to be ravaged by this beast. 

I struggled some more. Luckily, I was able to free myself from the clutches of my would-be-rapist. When I did, the first thing I did was--no, I didn't bombard the rapist with slaps and kicks--run to you and hit you in the face. I was angrily shouting, "You p****! How could you bear watch me get almost raped by that monster?!"

And then I woke up.

I thought then that it was just a bad dream. Never did it occur to me that it was premonitory of what was to happen last weekend.

I always thought of you as the best of all the best friends I have, that you would defend me whenever the need for it arises. I always thought of you as my protector. I always felt secure and safe whenever you're around. But not anymore.

Well, this is not the first time you watched me drown to save yourself. It's not surprising, really. But I'm going to make sure that this will be the last time. Because from now on, I'm going to look after myself. That's how it should be done.

I'm not bitter. What's happening does make me sad but it makes me feel more grateful...because it is a wake up call, a realization that, at the end of the day, all I have is myself to rely on. And I should start making myself stronger to face life's battles all on my own.

All these years, I've been too complacent about taking care of my own self. I'm not going to worry about that, you're there to take care of it for me. That's always been my mentality. But not anymore. It's about time that I become the woman I claim to be--INDEPENDENT, STRONG-WILLED and SELF-SUFFICIENT.

Thank you for the times that you did take care of me and for the times that you were there for me. Above all, thank you for just letting me drift away, alone in the midst of what's happening right now...because I'm re-learning how to be the woman I was before I met you--strong, independent and unafraid to be alone.